This is the funniest political satire I’ve seen since Jib-Jab and SNL’s skewering of Sarah Palin. He butchers some of the lyrics on this version, but you’ll get the point.
July 12, 2009
June 23, 2009
Confessions of a Krasnoyarsk insomniac
Five or so hours sleep put the traveler into a stage of extreme fatigue; that’s five or so hours over 42 hours, thousands of miles and twelve time zones. Needing to stay up late, but totally unable to do so, he crashes to shuffle on his iPhone around 7:00 PM local time and, despite a high-volume conversation in the hallway, he falls into a deep sleep convinced that 6:00 AM will come too early. Unfortunately, 11:00 PM comes first and time zone insomnia with it. He opens the window and listens to the sounds of the city.
Some things are the same no matter where you stay. Cars in motion all night, car alarms, police sirens, conversations, and the thumping sub-woofer of local dance clubs. Tonight there is also some poor sap trying unsuccessfully to get a woefully out of tune car to remain starting. He guns it and gets a few feet before trying again. Over and over. Finally, it catches and he guns it in what can only be a cloud of smoke and an engine begging for oil.
Thoughts of the day come to mind.
Sheremetyevo airports. Any air traveler through Moscow has experienced the insanity that is Sheremetyevo 1 and 2. “1” was built in 1959, about the time that eight people a day would fly while “2” was built in time for the opening of the famously boycotted 1980 Moscow Olympics. While safety is rarely an issue, convenience always is. There are not enough seats for waiting passengers, not enough restrooms, not enough line space at Sharometyeva 1 and entirely too many assertive taxi drivers and both. The traveler wonders why both aren’t plowed under or completely renovated. He wonders if landing in an open field would not be better.
The international airport (“2”) is pretty clean and has designated smoking areas outside the main seating areas. The domestic airport (“1”) was built for about 1/10th of the traffic that it currently handles. The smoking area is pretty much gates 8-17, where the lingering blue gray second hand haze waits as a carcinogenic welcoming committee. By the time the flight leaves the traveler has smoked a pack without lighting up.
The traveler also never quite gets accustomed to the fact that lady custodians clean the men’s restrooms without ever fully closing them. This time was better, though. A mop across the doorway refused a goodly number of anxious men, but did not completely solve the issue. At least one fellow stepped over the mop handle to take care of business anyway, while even those who waited for the obstacle to be removed (like our faithful traveler) found themselves hearing the “swish, swash” of the mop whilst standing at the urinal. She never spoke and neither did he.
The drunk. Aeroflot is the official, though certainly not only, airline of Russia. With a significant number of Soviet era aircraft still in service (a few seem not to have been painted since Brezhnev), it always is a crap-shoot as to whether the plane looks and acts airworthy. Thankfully this was a Boeing 767, the plane secure and the flight smooth.
Alcohols tends to flow freely on Russian flights with many of the smaller bottles that Americans are familiar with giving way to flasks. The traveler remembers another Russian flight where flasks gave way to fifths before the plane ever left the runway and in-flight luggage rustling for another when the first bottle of vodka went dry.
About four hours from Moscow, one particular lush missed his seat by about twenty rows, settling beside a woman of about twenty who was playing video games by the seat light. Behaving as friendly drunks are wont to do, he made a boor of himself until two flight attendants herding him and his stupidity back to his seat. At landing the traveler was amused to see two green uniformed Russian policemen enter the plane and meet our friend Otis in the back. He was escorted, quasi-sober, to a waiting police van that surely had been used in the old M.A.S.H. TV series. No one really seemed to car since public drunkenness, though a problem, is not a crime in Russia.
The ticket exchange. The travelers’ companion had need in the afternoon to make a change on a return flight, thus both experienced the undeniable inefficiencies of Russian business, learned, no doubt, from Russian government. With the advent of the internet, heck, with the advent of the telephone, these type changes take fifteen minutes back home: call the airline or the agent, ask for another flight, put charges on the credit card, print out the new ticket (or have it sent to one’s PDA or smartphone) and live the rest of your day. Oops.
Russia is a cash society–no checks and not a lot of places that take credit cards, so few people use them. They two men arrive at the S7 office to find just four people in the “line” to be served, most for ticket changes or purchases. Two and a half hours later they were leaving. One lady behind the counter serving every customer. Three copies of this, two copies of that, “Do you have a passport and your birth certificate?”,”Can you sign here?”, cut this paper with scissors, tape these two pieces together, walk to the copier/printer/fax (the one for the entire office). If one did not know better, the temptation would be to think the entire process was intentionally designed to delay. A second lady in the “travel agency” section of the office who was incapable, unwilling or incompetent to help, spending only about thirty minutes of the total time working. The rest of the time she was talking or walking through a mysterious door just off the lobby which, ostensibly, housed more employees who were doing nothing.
The lobby waiting area was entirely too small, so people were constantly going outside to smoke (for which the traveler was thankful), make phone calls or go buy something to drink at the corner store. There being no actual queue or “Please Take A Number” gizmo, each new arrival simply asked, “Who is last?” and then assumed his or her place in the proceedings. The traveler noticed that no one ever got mad, ever stomped out, or cursed out the employees contrasting starkly with his homeland where threats would have been made, promises of a class action law suit would have been offered, constant, loud complaints would have been leveled and the only helpful employee would have likely been equated with her gender of canis familiaris. But, since there is no expectation of efficiency, there is no problem when none is experienced.
Traffic grid. The traffic in Krasnoyarsk cannot touch the traffic of Novosibirsk, another Siberian city several hours away by air, but is trying to match it in spirit. Lane cutting, poor street layouts, make-it-yourself parking and bold-beyond-brains drivers combine to make it an strange experience. The street layouts are such that you must constantly be watching the signs, rather than the road, in order not to miss your left hand turn. If you do miss it, there might be several blocks before the middle line breaks open to allow the correction. Inexplicably, the names of the roads are not on road signs, but are on the sides of buildings creating a situation in which drivers have to constantly be looking sideways for street information rather than straight-ahead for the automobiles, trucks and buses. Adding to the chaos is the strangeness of their only being one traffic signal facing the driver and it isn’t overhead, it’s on a sign post where the street sign should have been. The lighting sequence features yellow light in all directions with each change from red to green or green to red. The yellows are supposed to encourage caution from all drivers that the traffic flow is about to change. Instead it encourages those going from green to red to accelerate and those going from red to green to leave the line early. The traveler also notices an almost equal number of left and right hand cars, learning that Siberia is the used car lot for Japan.
12:46 AM. Eyelids are getting heavy. Perhaps sleep will return after all.
February 6, 2009
Random Ramblings, 02.06.09
The more global warming conferences we have, the colder it seems to get. Keep it up guys!
Michael Phelps smoked some expensive weed. Losing endorsements: Drugs are like that, too!!
RE: problems face by President Obama’s nominees. Trying to find a politician that does not have a questionable background is like trying to find a woman in the cathouse who hasn’t had the clap.
If I ever ran for POTUS, Ben Cole would be my campaign manager (chief of staff if I won) and Brett Compton would be my press secretary (on both counts). After that, the rest would be a piece of cake. I can assure you that my administration would be “of the people, by the people and for the people.”
Some people will spend any and all amounts of money to keep their pet alive. I am not one of those people.
I wonder if Chesley Sullenberger can pilot all my flights from now on?
Facebook and Twitter seem to be putting a crimp into the blogosphere.
Who cares whether or not Jessica Simpson gains 1 pound or 100? Besides Tony Romo, I mean…
Every TV show I watch with my son turns into a live action Mystery Science Theater 3000.
My two oldest children have my sense of humor and my third is getting it. The world is not ready.
My Mom is in her mid 60’s and has virtually no gray hair. Where in the world did that gene go?? It sure didn’t come to me.
Any of you pastors ever notice that the person/people who know the most about how to spend money in the budget are the people who give the least?
Google is starting to be omnipresent. Cue the new mark of the beast theories.
February 2, 2009
If you need a Monday morning laugh…
Ellen DeGeneres talks to Gladys Hardy from Austin, TX.
December 24, 2008
A Christmas Story
Twenty five years ago tonight was, for much of the US, the coldest night of the 20th century. Single digits and howling winds, even in the south, made for a night of chill factors not seen before or since. I remember seeing a picture in the newspaper a couple of days later of a fire up north where the water from the fire trucks froze on the side of the building as it was aflame. Real cold.
That night is especially memorable for me since it was my last Christmas before getting married the following February. We spent Christmas at my paternal grandmother’s house with my aunts, uncles and cousins who were all living in Clanton, Alabama.
At the time, my uncle (who owned and sold any number of businesses in the area) was running a small twin theater in the corner of what is now known as a strip mall. I think it was called the “Clanton Twin Cinemas.” The movie that has since been called, “The It’s a Wonderful Life of an alternate universe,” A Christmas Story, had just been released. My uncle decided to treat his kids and all the cousins (including me) to a free viewing on Christmas eve. Unfortunately, the heat was not working in the theater on the coldest day in any of our lives.
So there we were, bundled up as if we were still outside watching at a drive in, laughing our guts out. When Ralphie finally shot himself in the eye, my cousin’s then boyfriend laughed so hard I thought he’d freeze his tonsils. It was a great night and I’ve loved the movie ever since.
Any crazy Christmas memories out there? Have a great Christmas, one and all.
December 5, 2008
Why Alabama fans should not be theologians
From yesterday’s Atlanta Journal-Constitution:
Sam Atkins’ 11-year-old son Jake has never seen Alabama beat Auburn. His dad grudgingly agreed to take him to this year’s Iron Bowl after skipping the previous two-“we haven’t even been competitive,” he lamented.
That six-game losing streak to the Tigers is a distant memory now as Alabama has re-emerged as a national powerhouse.
“I compare it to being saved,” said Atkins, who played tackle on Bill Curry’s Alabama teams in the late ’80s. “I feel like a major weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” [emphasis mine]
Either this guy’s salvation is woefully inadequate or his college football holds a questionable place in his priority list. Of course this is the issue for most Alabama fans that I know.
Lovingly dedicated to C. B. Scott, Kevin Bussey, Adam Feldman and my sister. [David Phillips added by request.]
November 4, 2008
Live blogging the election returns…for fun
10:40 pm
It’s almost a done deal. Going to bed.
10:05 pm
TX GOP senator retains his seat, Dem in Montana also in IA. GOP replacement senator, Roger Wicker of MS wins the election and keeps the Dems from gaining a filibuster proof majority, if things stand.
Shot goes to Hume with Bill Kristol in the background with his nose stuck eight inches deep in some paperwork. Looks funny.
McCain campaign says, “There doesn’t appear to be any path” to victory. Losing NM and IA seems to have been the icing on the cake. They don’t believe that any republican could have survived the “credit tsunami.” If you towed the party line, then I agree whole heartedly, but if you bucked the party line, the candidate would have stood a chance.
10:00 pm
Got an email, purportedly from a Christian leader asking me to pray for one candidate, but not the other one. I guess we only pray for the ones we like, not like God commands, “all those in authority.”
Looks like Obama is closing in states where McCain was leading and maintaining in the states where he was already leading. Mecklinburg County (Charlotte), NC is going to Obama bigger than it went for Kerry in ’04.
EVs- Obama 207, McCain 129 (Fox calls McCain for TX, though neither candidate made a single trip there).
Obama- IA
McCain- UT
9:48
Fox panel reiterates that this is a “protest election.” Not voting for or against Obama, but voting against Bush and identifying McCain with him.
Listening to the exit polls, it sounds like, “McCain would be a better president, that’s why we’re voting for Obama.” This is a weird country.
9:35
A few thoughts on the electoral college that strange animal by which we elect the president. According to Wikipedia:
Some nations with complex regional electorates elect a head of state by means of an electoral college rather than a direct popular election. The United States is the only current example of an indirectly elected executive president, with an electoral college made up of electors representing the 50 states and one federal district. Each state has a number of electors equal to its total Congressional representation (in both houses), with the non-state District of Columbia receiving three electors and other non-state territories having no electors. The electors generally cast their votes for the winner of the popular vote in their respective states, but are not required by law to do so.
I really don’t have a problem with it and, frankly, it may not be as fairly proportioned as it could be if it is to be based on actual population. It does seem that the electoral college should be more representative of the popular vote, though that strange animal “winning the electoral college while losing the popular vote” is so rare as to be an endangered species.
A Fox reporter just said, “John McCain has made 2,000 visits to Pennsylvania in the past few months.” Busy guy!
9:25 pm
If the numbers stand, McCain is in trouble. It didn’t help him that he brought Dick Cheney out on the campaign trail this week. How utterly stupid.
Senate seats are Dems up 4.
9:20 pm
A friend of mine is happy that Tennessee coach Phillip Fulmer is now Former.
Hume is enamored with the touch giant screen thing. Karl Rove things thinks that McCain has to win everything and still cannot win, unless he turns a state from the last election. Fox has called OH for Obama.
National vote total is Obama up about 70,000 or so on Politico.
9:13 pm
Fox dropped 17 votes from the Obama column without comment yet; now at 163.
9:02 pm
Dems pick up 1 in the House.
EVs- Obama 180, McCain 81 (as called by Fox)
Obama- WI, NM, MN, NY, RI, MI
McCain- ND, KY, WY
Lots of yucking it up over some mistake. Brit Hume still looks like a hound dog, but I like him.
8:58 pm
WPE- Within Precinct Error. When there is a differential, Fox hesitates to make a call. In VA, Obama is 10.8% higher in exit polls than in actual votes. This means that Obama supporters are willing to participate in the exit polls more often than McCain supporters leading to skewed results.
Popular vote is 50-50.
County by county voting in Indiana shows a few more counties going Democratic this time than in the last two elections.
Lots of talk today about Obama governing from the center, much like Clinton did. The reality is that Clinton had to deal with Republican houses of congress–Obama will not. Is American a center-right country or a center-left country? We shall see.
Obama leads early in Ohio, McCain in North Dakota and Texas.
8:50 pm
EVs- Obama 103, McCain 69
FL loses a house Republican seat and keeps a seat.
Some reports of voter fraud, but few documented. Things in most places seem to be going smoothly.
8:38
NBC called GA for McCain just now. Their map looks awful.
8:26
Obama just picked up 1 EV?? What is that, Guam?!
“Well, Pa…” Reporter on Fox looks like Opie Taylor.
Still early reports have Obama blowing out NC, but still trailing in VA and IN. Dems pick up 3 senate seats. Fox wants to call PA for Obama without any precincts actually being counted, but refusing to do so. Perhaps they are learning a little. Apparently there was as much as an eleven point discrepancy between the exit polls and the actual numbers in some places.
NH loses a Republican–Sununu loses to Jeanne Shaheen. Smith, anyone? Sununu apparently fought against Bush on many counts, but loses anyway. Net pickup of 3 seats. Dems need 6 of 7 remaining.
8:20 pm
Fox reporting Mitch McConnell, who ran on a “pro-earmark” platform has been re-elected in Kentucky. 200 year old Elizabeth Dole is projected to lose her NC senate seat in a landslide. Another example of Republicans not getting it when they attacked Kay Hagan for supporting atheism, she the Presbyterian Sunday School teacher. Smaaaaart.
Obama picks up another 4 EVs (NH apparently). Democrats pick up 2 senate seats, but have to win all the rest (I think) to reach 60. For the first time in 50 years, Republicans will have lost double digit seats in the House in consecutive elections. Hume makes an interesting point: Democrats have control of both houses of congress, congress has a sorry approval rating and yet Americans are sending more Democrats to congress. Dislike of Bush anyone?
Buffalo leads Miami 14-3. Ooops, that’s ESPN. They are red and blue however.
8:05 pm
Brit Hume just called their studio “the strategery room.” Timothy says, “He’s been watching SNL.”
“I just have to right on the screen. Look, I can make a circle. I can make a slash.” Geez.
Maine still at 2 votes to one. Apparently there is a blizzard of epic proportions keeping people from the polls there. Or a hail storm. Or they don’t know how to count. Fox now calls it for Obama; might as well.
EVs just went Obama 77 to McCain 39.
MA, MD, IL, DC, CO, ME, NJ, DE- Obama
OK- McCain (CNN adds TN for McCain)
And Tulsa is voting on just how to spend their local option sales tax money.
Joe Biden wins seventh term in DE while running for VP with Obama. Biden now passes necessary threshold to stay in office for up to five years after he dies.
Time for a short break.
7:55 pm
Fox has a guy in West Palm who looks like Kato Kaelin. That guy never goes away.
Barack Obama has a monster outdoor “victory party” planned for Grant Park in Chicago. Perfect weather and huge crowd.
Fox has called South Carolina for McCain, while trailing in the popular vote.
Obama up 54% in the popular vote nationally. Fox analyst favors Marlo Thomas.
Bob Barr has a few votes in Dade County FL, where Obama is reporting at 60%.
Some analyst thinks we need to have the polls open for an entire weekend, AFTER we’ve had more than a month to early vote. I really don’t get that. I voted 2 1/2 weeks ago and didn’t wait. Because of early voting, the wait today has lessened dramatically in many areas. My daughter and son-in-law in PA walked in and voted with no wait (after work).
These guys are having waaaaay to much fun with these touch screen TVs. I imagine John Madden, “Boom, Obama needs Gary, Indiana. Look, McCain needs West Virginia….that guy, that guy has mud on his ballot.”
7:45 pm
Random thought: At about 2:30 today, more than 900 people had voted at New Bethany, a local voting precinct. More than 2,100 had early voted from the same precinct. In our county, around 40% of voters cast an early ballot.
cnn.com still has virtually all states too close to call and precious few precincts reporting. McCain’s lead in VA seems to be increasing, while Obama’s in FL seems to be increasing.
Late deciders seem to be breaking to McCain. “White people with little education” (why don’t they just say “rednecks”) also seem to be breaking to McCain. Are those one and the same?
A Fox News reporter just said, “In two thousand oh four…” Interesting phrasing.
7:35 pm
The Republicans ran a guy for governor in West Virginia who looks like Supreme Chancellor Palpatine from Revenge of the Sith. He lost; should have used his light saber.
Obama just took the lead in the popular vote for the first time tonight. McCain up 13-3 in EVs.
7:29 pm
Apparently it took Barack Obama 15 minutes to vote. Beth says it was because he was looking for the “Present” button.
My wife is fixated on that Murtha character from PA. She is calling his a lot of names right now. Four in the last minute. I don’t think she likes him.
McCain up in Indiana with 12% counted. They are saying it is the northwest corner that will turn it to Obama.
7:25 pm
It really is something that Georgia is too close to call. Georgia has not gone for a democratic presidential candidate since Carter, our favored hometown son. For there to be anything close only goes to show how much President Bush has damaged, not rallied, the republican base. If McCain loses Georgia, it will be a foreboding sign indeed.
7:18 pm
There is a holographic reporter on CNN: “Help me Wolf Blitzer. You’re my only hope!” No lie.
7:16 pm
So apparently, Maine only has three residents. And Obama won 2 votes to 1.
My daughter woke up this morning wondering who won the election.
7:12 pm
Until I get tired or fall asleep.
Politico is calling two senate races with no votes reporting. Good call guys.
Currently McCain leads 8-3 in EVs. We’ll see how long that lasts.
The family is watching Fox because it is what is on. They think that the former gov Mark Warner has won. They mention the fact that he is a millionaire as if that means anything.
Georgia senate race: Zaxby Chambliss is probably going to lose because he supported the big bailout and because there is a Libertarian (incorrectly identified as an “Independent” by Fox) who is going to siphon some of his votes. However, this is a runoff situation if no one garners at least 50% plus one vote [thanks, Charlie].
June 23, 2008
Look out First Baptist Flowery Branch
This is so stinkin’ cool.
April 30, 2008
A Brief Rant
Has Paula Abdul ever said anything original IN HER LIFE!??!?!?!
That’s it.
