Saw it again last night: a pastor admits to committing adultery, repentant and broken, but out of the ministry nonetheless. I’m not sure that there is anything that weighs on me like hearing that news. This particular pastor led a dynamic church that has seen 100 people saved in the last three weeks, yet he still succumbed to the same temptation that has torn down the mightiest of warriors.
Having been married for more than twenty-five years and having been in the ministry for twenty (next month), I thought it would be appropriate to review some of the things that I think about when I hear such news. These are in no particular order, but should be considered well when desiring to avoid marital infidelity.
1. Get enough rest. Mental and emotional fatigue are open doors to bad decisions, even sinful ones. Many a man “burns the midnight oil” for the kingdom, or so it is supposed, only to find himself in the hotel room or church broom closet with a woman not his wife having lost the will power to say “no,” or even to think it. Pastors, you are not superhuman and while each of us need differing amounts of rest, listen to your body and rest when you need to do so. You cannot push the envelope of energy continually lest you run the risk of mental or physical adultery.
2. Stay true to the Word. This one should be obvious, but there will never come a time that we do not need the Word. Early in ministry we are afraid to even attempt to live without it, but often in later years coasting becomes the norm. “If I can just make it to retirement,” becomes the mantra for too many pastors who’ve long ago lost passion, but are trying to ride out the wave. Don’t become a hireling! The only way to remain a faithful shepherd is to be guided by the Word every step of the way.
3. Be careful. Don’t allow the thirst for adventure to cause you to become careless in how you relate to women. There will never be a time when flirting becomes acceptable or when lingering looks become godly. Internet filters or tracking software (X3 Watch or Covenant Eyes) may be necessary to keep your mind where it needs to be and out of the gutter. Have the TV removed from your hotel room if necessary or at least disconnected from the cable. When your wife says, “Stay away from [a particular woman],” then stay away from her. Somebody else can take her phone calls and do her counseling or she can go to another church.
4. Love your wife always and make love to her as often as possible. Make sure the passion that brought you to marriage does not get swept away in the busyness of life and ministry. When Paul instructed Timothy that a man who ignored the needs of his family is worse than an unbeliever, are we to believe that he was only talking about groceries?
Continue to pursue your wife as if you are still trying to convince her to marry you. Don’t take the attitude of Ward Cleaver: “What’s the use in chasing the bus after I’ve already caught it?” When your kids are young, get them accustomed to early bed times so that you and your wife can spend time together and when they are old, lock them out of the master bedroom for the same reason. Have date nights and don’t apologize or feel guilty.
Keep sex on the leading edge of your marriage. I think we’d be shocked at how many pastor’s wives go to bed with a book because their husband wants to debate online whether or not sex is “gospel-centered.” I think marital sex is God-given, God-blessed and God-expected. Paul wrote to the Corinthians couples that they should only abstain in times of prayer and fasting “with consent” and then resume their normal activity so that Satan did not find a way to tempt them due to a lack of self-control-a lack of self-control that resulted from a lack of sex. I hardly think that once-a-month passion is what he had in mind. Regular sex with one’s spouse is self-control.
If you are a pastor, teacher or evangelist and you travel so much that you have to reintroduce yourself to your wife and children each time you return home and you have such infrequent sex that you have to get the manual out each time, then you are living in a state of foolishness that borders on outright sin before God. Did you miss the part about being tempted for self-control? It amazes me how many guys would pass up a woman in need (with a broken down car, for example) for afraid of “causing a brother to stumble,” but cause their wives to stumble regularly due to the lack of attention and affection shown by her husband.
5. Live your heart. If you are in the middle of a career of ministry and come to the recognition that your passion is no longer for pastoring a local church, then change. A friend and I were discussing this very thing at lunch today. Guys get wiped out, lose their heart, lose their passion and then, it seems, it is easier to commit adultery than to get out. GET OUT OR GET HELP. One or the other. I’m aware that the Bible says, “The gifts and callings of God are without repentance,” but honestly, does that mean a specific job? I could go today and work at Chili’s and still fulfill my life’s calling.
If you find yourself in the midst of a career-crisis as a pastor and you, deep down, know that you’ve no more to give as a pastor, then plan an exit strategy and start following it. Read Wild at Heart if you haven’t already.
6. Do not let your church (or religious culture) force you into a way of ministry that destroys your ability to minister to yourself and your family. Every pastor is different in structure, personality and function. As soon as you understand how you function best (early morning, late night, mid-morning) you should organize your schedule around it, then communicate it to your church. If you need to be in the office from 6:00 AM until 2:00 PM, then come in early, leave and go fishing or to the gym or whatever. Or go home and help your wife with dinner; or cook dinner so she can go to the gym. Or vacuum the curtains…I understand that is the sexiest thing a husband can do.
If all of your local associational meetings are at night (y’know, when the wife and kids are home and help is needed) then skip them. I see no biblical admonition to attend, but I see multiple biblical admonitions about being a husband and father. As a pastor you are on call 24/7 and often are doing work related to ministry while at home or up early. Don’t feel guilty about calling another pastor and going to the movie after lunch. He needs it and so do you.
7. How about let’s dispense with all the “rock star” talk? John Piper wrote a book called, “Brothers, We are Not Professionals.” Perhaps someone should write one entitled, “Brothers, We are Not Rock-Stars.” Our current star persona promotion of good speakers, exceptional church planters and mega-church pastors borders on idolatry and calling people “rock star” or something similar does not help. In fact, what we have created and continue to promulgate makes mental or moral failure probable if not inevitable. Jesus said, “He that would be the greatest among you must be the servant of all.” When James and John’s mother wanted to know if her sons were going to be rock-stars in the kingdom, Jesus asked about their ability to endure suffering and sacrifice. I’m sure that ticket sales would drop dramatically if torture were the promoted result.
God has called us to one primary calling and that is to love Him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. This can be done from an office or Starbucks, from a house or a boat, from a seminary or an urban center. When we lose that simple focus, rather than following wherever and whenever it leads, then downfall becomes, all too often, the norm.
