A friend of mine sent me these this week under the title, “When insults had class.” Enjoy.
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” — Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” — Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… If you have one.” — George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill…followed by Churchill’s response:
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one.” — Winston Churchill
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” — John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” — Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” — Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating
“He had delusions of adequacy.” — Walter Kerr
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” — Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” — Oscar Wilde
Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, “Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!”
Churchill replied, “Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!”
Here’s one I heard, maybe 40 years ago:
The Earl of Sandwich, to John Wilkes: “Egad sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox.”
John Wilkes, in response: “That will depend, my Lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
Comment by Bob Cleveland — August 2, 2007 @ 10:33 pm
Both exchanges with Churchill are excellent. Very funny.
Comment by brad brisco — August 2, 2007 @ 11:10 pm
I miss the good ole’ days!
Comment by Kevin Bussey — August 3, 2007 @ 11:11 am
My dad said to my sister’s potential suitor: “Son, I raise better looking heads in my cabbage patch.”
Comment by Keith Price — August 3, 2007 @ 7:53 pm
One day, when Vice-President Calvin Coolidge was presiding over the Senate, one senator angrily told another to go â??straight to hell.â? The offended Senator complained to Coolidge as presiding officer, and Coolidge looked up from the book he had been leafing through while listening to the debate and wittily replied. â??Iâ??ve looked through the rule book,â? he said, â??You donâ??t have to go.â?
Comment by D. Long — August 4, 2007 @ 10:58 am
I heard on attributed to Abe Lincoln, in his lawyer days. He was cross examining a particularly argumentative witness named John Cass. In the middle of a heated exchange, Abe interrupted him and asked:
“Anybody ever call you “Jack?””
Comment by Bob Cleveland — August 9, 2007 @ 9:25 am
Bob-
Whether true or not, it was in a movie about Lincoln that I saw years ago. I think Henry Fonda was in it.
Comment by Marty Duren — August 9, 2007 @ 1:55 pm